Hidden Essence

'I see right through you'
Is what she said. My response?
'You're not an x-ray'

Higher Learning

I was the student
Her body was the country
I studied abroad

Daddy

I have a void
It's a type of void a person sometimes doesn't even realize exists
It's the sole reasons for my actions
My wants and needs
My patience
My characteristics of a pushover
It's the reason I am a victim

I blame this void on a surplus of problems that I don't even have
I blame it on problems I create myself
But I create them so that in my mind my actions make sense
I blame it on my masked insecurities
I blame it on my low self-esteem
I blame it on my gullibility
I blame it all on me

Then I had an epiphany
I missed out on a building block during my development
Which created a weak structure waiting to collapse
And my temple which was supposed to be sacred, I felt was crap
So I let any willing man explore it
Thinking that maybe they can... fix it
But they just ended up shifting the foundation more and more
Making it weaker and weaker

The absence of a father figure left me lost
I tried to discover myself how a man loves
If and how I was supposed to be disciplined
And who I am since I didn't know who the other participant in my creation was
To me, as a person, I was only 50% complete

The affection a man is supposed to give his child is something I never understood
I never understood how a male gives affection, period
The treatment I was given
Was the treatment I accepted
Which wasn't treatment at all
It was more so an acknowledgment of my existence
Well until they wanted to "fix" my weakened structure
Then it was love

The discipline a man is supposed to give his child is something I never understood
I didn't know what was punishment and what wasn't
The punches, smacks and kicks
The derogatory words of bitch this, and slut that
The mental control males had over me just from glares
I assumed that meant they cared
I thought that meant they loved me
Cause I was told, "Only a person that loves you can get that angry at you."
So I took it, cause that can only be love, right?

The connection a man is supposed to have with his child is something I never understood
It didn't feel like the other 23 chromosomes that create my genetic make up existed
I didn't feel my father's existence within me
Half of me felt... empty
So I used other men
I made myself 1 with them for 45 minutes, 20 minutes, sometimes even 5 minutes
Just to have the connection with a man
Just to feel their existence inside me

The plethora of men I... experienced was supposed to fill that void
Be the missing piece to the puzzle
But except, these pieces were like submerged in water or ripped
Just, damaged
They never were able to fit correctly again
But I continued to force it nonetheless
I let them disregard my feelings as a human being
I let them abuse me, physically and mentally
I let them desecrate my body
I allowed them to... experience me
All of me
Just so they can be a pseudo...
Daddy

Unrequited

The 'hey's and 'how are you's turn into
'Do you still think about me?'s
The question arises every now and again since our former 'we'
Suddenly turned back into 'you' and 'me'
All I can say in response is
'Sometimes I miss you, sometimes I don't.'

From there the convo takes the turn I always try to avoid
I receive a surplus of messages explaining how she feels
But... I can't reply
I can't be sucked back into something I tried to leave
I can't fall for her prose again
No words, facial expressions or body language can be understood by her
So I pour my heart into an ellipsis to explain where my head is
Dot dot dot, enter key.

And then I wait... hoping she understands
The ringing sound and flashing box alerts me that she sent me some words
Wishing my eyes would read them
And then it rings again...and again... and again
I interpret the flashes as morse code, saying:
'WARNING! READING THESE MESSAGES MAY RAISE BLOOD PRESSURE."
So I hesitate, but read it nontheless

My eyes see a wall of text
The bricks are words
And the color is questions
'What is that supposed to mean?'
'Why can I never get an answer from you?'
'Why can't you ever just tell me how you feel?'
'What happened to the girl I used to know that told me how she felt?'
My first thought, that girl died a long time ago
Second thought, emotions formed in words
Emotions formed in tears
And emotions displayed in a depressed posture never seemed to get through
So I stroked the keys slow and dropped tears on each one
Hoping some how my feelings would travel through ethernet cords, seep through the screen
And hit her like it's been hitting me, by this one message...

'You want me to love you again, but I swear I won't.'

Desecrated

Dreams written in sand
Were washed away by the sea
Killing my esteem.

Midnight Rain

The soothing sound of midnight rain always calmed my nerves
I believe it is the gift that a stressful day deserves
The fluorescent white and pure blue of lightning as it strikes
Warms my soul and keeps me in awe with its beauty the rest of the night
The silence shattering crack followed by the boisterous boom
Usually frightened others, scaring them into their room
I enjoy every sound and sight from the beginning to close
The storm before the calm was my inspiration to transcribe my prose
The soothing sound of midnight rain always calmed my soul
The following morning I lay creatively drained from the emotions my muse, the rain, stole.

Just For Tonight

Just for tonight
I want you to be mine
I want your body to be the artwork
And I, the critic
I want to analyze you
And see where I fit in your existence
Just for tonight

Just for tonight
I want you and I to have a label as 'we'
But tomorrow I want us to be N*Sync and have no strings attached
So right now I'll be your homework
It's necessary for you to do me
Just for tonight

Just for tonight
I want you to snap into this Slim Jim
I want you to be Jesus
And I want to be the last supper
I want you to have a random cannibalistic desire and eat me
Just for tonight

Just for tonight
I want you to make it hurt so much that it feels good
I want you to pull my hair till you make me scream
Maybe even choke me... but gently
I want you to make me submit
Just for tonight

Just for tonight
I want to be your one and only
I want to forget the lady you have at home
I want to be the only one on your brain
Just for tonight
And only for tonight

Because tomorrow...
I don't even want to remember your name.

Silent Protegé

The best words spoken
Always fall upon deaf ears
People remain dense
But the room gains the knowledge.
If only walls could tell tales...

From a Femme's Perspective

Many people have a dream girl
Which they've sculpted with mental clay
Creating such a beautiful outer appearance
That would make God himself envious of such innovation

I, on the other hand
Have thrown down my carvers and smoothers
And began to compose a mental masterpiece
Amazing enough to make Mozart cry

I want a girl with a tough outer
And a soft, sweet inner
Where she can tell me to 'shut the fuck up!'
In the most loving way

I want her to be able to roughly grab me
When I wanna be alone...
Squeeze me tightly
Kiss my neck tenderly
And love me like she has never loved another before

I want her to know me
Not just know random facts
Like my birthday and pet peeves
But to know the simple pleasures that light up my spirit
And make my heart flutter

I want her to be honest
For times when I ask the million dollar question,
'Baby, do I look fat in this?'
She'd say, 'Yeah, you do. But I love you anyway.'
Then I'd pout and wait for her loving kiss on the cheek

I want her to be smart
In one way or another
So we can talk about technological updates and International news
Or she can teach me about street rules
Just so I can be well rounded

I want her to be a smooth talker
For the days when I'm irritated
She won't say something stupid
She'll make me forget about whatever I was angry about
And leave me in awe with her arrangement of words alone

I want her to be a free spirit
Not someone who is bound by societies rules
And conform to what is considered the norm
A girl who would dub February 15th as 'Anti-Valentine's Day'
And buy me a gift to show her appreciation to me, not because of the day

I want her to be goofy
Where she would play silly pranks
And crack jokes about me
Just to see me get irritated
And smirk at the wrinkles that form in my face when I frown

I want a girl that would do something simple
Just for the mere enjoyment of my smile
Like... buying me a white Lily
Not because she did something wrong
But because it's a Tuesday in the month of March

I'm not saying I want a perfect girl
But I want a girl that is so amazing
That her...
Attributes...
Would out weigh any imperfection she possesses...