Daddy

I have a void
It's a type of void a person sometimes doesn't even realize exists
It's the sole reasons for my actions
My wants and needs
My patience
My characteristics of a pushover
It's the reason I am a victim

I blame this void on a surplus of problems that I don't even have
I blame it on problems I create myself
But I create them so that in my mind my actions make sense
I blame it on my masked insecurities
I blame it on my low self-esteem
I blame it on my gullibility
I blame it all on me

Then I had an epiphany
I missed out on a building block during my development
Which created a weak structure waiting to collapse
And my temple which was supposed to be sacred, I felt was crap
So I let any willing man explore it
Thinking that maybe they can... fix it
But they just ended up shifting the foundation more and more
Making it weaker and weaker

The absence of a father figure left me lost
I tried to discover myself how a man loves
If and how I was supposed to be disciplined
And who I am since I didn't know who the other participant in my creation was
To me, as a person, I was only 50% complete

The affection a man is supposed to give his child is something I never understood
I never understood how a male gives affection, period
The treatment I was given
Was the treatment I accepted
Which wasn't treatment at all
It was more so an acknowledgment of my existence
Well until they wanted to "fix" my weakened structure
Then it was love

The discipline a man is supposed to give his child is something I never understood
I didn't know what was punishment and what wasn't
The punches, smacks and kicks
The derogatory words of bitch this, and slut that
The mental control males had over me just from glares
I assumed that meant they cared
I thought that meant they loved me
Cause I was told, "Only a person that loves you can get that angry at you."
So I took it, cause that can only be love, right?

The connection a man is supposed to have with his child is something I never understood
It didn't feel like the other 23 chromosomes that create my genetic make up existed
I didn't feel my father's existence within me
Half of me felt... empty
So I used other men
I made myself 1 with them for 45 minutes, 20 minutes, sometimes even 5 minutes
Just to have the connection with a man
Just to feel their existence inside me

The plethora of men I... experienced was supposed to fill that void
Be the missing piece to the puzzle
But except, these pieces were like submerged in water or ripped
Just, damaged
They never were able to fit correctly again
But I continued to force it nonetheless
I let them disregard my feelings as a human being
I let them abuse me, physically and mentally
I let them desecrate my body
I allowed them to... experience me
All of me
Just so they can be a pseudo...
Daddy